Sunday, January 23, 2011

Giving over, not giving up

I've come to a place of surrender.  I've always hated that religious term because it holds such difficult and negative connotations.  No one wants to "surrender", wave the white flag, or not "get their own way".  But I'm realizing that those aren't really the true meaning of the word.  I'm believing that it means instead of "giving up" or "not getting my way" that it means I can give these concerns "over" to God because he is well able to keep them for me.  So, I'm attempting to hold these surgeries lightly in open hands before God. What he chooses to do, I leave with him. If there's supposed to be a delay, he still knows best. I have to admit to still hoping he works all out so that miraculously, I could still have the surgeries this week and I still plan to do my part and follow through on any work I need to do to accomplish that. But if he wants me using a walker for a season, that's OK. If he wants to allow me a season in a wheelchair, there must be a reason. So many people have seen his miracles in my life through this, often in working things out quickly for me. But I want that to continue. I don't have the strength to go on and to do this...but he does and my extremely limited strength is only an opportunity for his limitless strength kick in and get me through. I have no idea what this week will hold for me. I still am in need of treatment and surgeries but God knows this so much better than I do. And I'm so grateful for the information I've learned about my genetic conditions and how're they're affecting me and the expertise and kindness I've experienced from the drs I've seen while being here in Maryland. As a posted earlier, a very good friend suggested I "trust the process". Throughout my life, God has often come through for me "last minute" and I was reminded by this friend that, while it may be difficult, it IS a recurring pattern in my life and if I go with it instead of fighting it, I'll be much more at peace. And she was right. :)

I'm remembering that even though I truly believe that healthcare is a basic right for all people, it's also a privilege that I went without for many years.  I'm trying to remember how far I've come because of all the doors that have opened for me.  Without the intervention time and again from a higher source than any of us, I can't even imagine where I'd be.

And, I have a wonderful family - intentional family, who have supported me and loved me through thick and thin when times have been awful and I've been a pain to be around.  I'm so grateful for all of you and for the many of my medical providers who I count among that group.  To have such a family, is another miracle in my life.

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